Never Meant to Be
by meaninglessmonotony
Summary: In the time after the victory over the Reapers, Joker tries to stay a part of Shepard's life. Warning-this isn't a happy story. T for language. Femshep, one-sided Shoker, read for more details!
1. Chapter 1

It was over. Alliance Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau leaned back in his seat, still trying to deal with the concept. Yesterday the Normandy had joined the quarian flotilla in routing the last of the Reapers from the Terminus systems. Messages of relative victory had streamed in from turian, krogan, and salarian space. The majority of surviving batarians and humans had been relocated to colony worlds. It was over. Shepard had brought them through the tempest.

He grinned, remembering her ecstatic whoop of triumph when he'd brought down Harbinger, the pride that burned in her storm-gray eyes. Remy Shepard, the woman who'd saved the galaxy. He shook his head, bemused by his own sappiness. She'd inspired trillions, sure, killed hundreds of nefarious bad guys and at least twenty Reapers, but she hadn't won the war single-handedly. Still, without her they'd never have made it.

Joker resettled his cap, now thinking about the unexpected kiss. It hadn't been a "real" kiss—just a quick, happy peck on his cheek as they watched Harbinger explode—but it had made him wonder. What if she…?

He'd had…feelings for his Commander for years. He'd watched her growing relationship with Kaiden with a sick mixture of jealousy and resignation, but after Horizon he'd wondered if…

She always came to talk to him, to ask and listen and joke—that had to mean _something._

When the Reaper War started, they'd gone from planet to planet, narrowly avoiding death and disaster by milliseconds. It had all moved so fast that he hadn't had the chance to tell her how he felt or to ask her if she felt the same. And then Alenko waltzed back on the scene, fighting side-by-side with his old lover.

He'd expected them to get back together, but he'd never seen them so much as hug. Maybe it was over between them. He fervently hoped it was.

"Jeff—if you wish to join the celebration belowdecks, I am perfectly capable of taking the helm."

The AI's voice cut smoothly through his thoughts and he turned automatically to regard her simple blue hologram.

"Aw, that's sweet, EDI, but…" he hesitated. Joker had never been much of a people-person, never fond of crowds or formal functions. Hell, the only reason he'd attended Flight School graduation was so he could stick it to everyone who'd made fun of his limp, giving 'em a big 'fuck you!' from the valedictorian podium. But this was different—he'd helped save the galaxy for godsakes, and these were people he actually _liked_. And Shepard…Shepard would be there…He made up his mind. "I might just take you up on that, EDI. Thanks." He stood up.

"You owe me one, Jeff."

He eyed her critically.

"That was a joke."

"Right." He headed for the elevator, shaking his head and smirking. EDI had been 'free' for almost a year now, and although she seemed to fully grasp the concept of humor, her execution was never quite right. It had become sort of an in-joke between Joker, Tali, and EDI which, to Jeff at least, was amusing in itself.

He walked quickly, standing straighter than he'd ever dreamed possible three years ago.

Joker entered the elevator chamber, slapping the button for crewquarters.

Cerberus had helped the bones—the muscles had taken time. He rolled his shoulders, recalling the hours spent off-duty on the rowing machine, trying to correct his spine. Of course, it hadn't 'fixed' him—he'd never be a poster-child for good posture—but it felt so…liberating to walk without a pronounced limp, without his shoulders slanted; when he walked now, he looked at people out of curiosity, not challengingly as he did before.

The elevator hissed as it neared his stop and he smiled. When the Alliance upgraded a ship, they were practical. No giant aquariums were on the Normandy 2.1. The damn elevator was, due to popular demand, the first thing to be changed. Faster, smoother—

Joker winced when the doors slid open and an explosion of noise hit him.

The elevators were also soundproofed.

He took a deep breath, fighting the urge to turn around and go back to his leather chair. He caught a glimpse of familiar black curls in a crush of happy (and probably drunk) soldiers. A helpless grin found its way onto his face. She was so…short.

Remy Shepard spotted him and waved, beaming, and he twiddled his fingers at her sarcastically. She'd seen him now so he couldn't leave without saying something.

He eyed the crowd between them distastefully. Krogans, turians, jarheads, oh my… upgrades or no, he'd still break something if mistakenly fallen on, and many of the revelers looked none too stable.

Joker decided against braving the throng, and instead joined one of the clusters of people on the edges of the room, out of the danger zone. He tried to keep one eye on Shepard as he mingled, but when Chakwas and Mordin's debate over interspecies relationships intensified, he was distracted enough to lose her.

"Damn," he muttered, green eyes flickering from face to face as he scanned the room.

A swish of black hair—there. He found her just in time to see her turn down into one of the hallways. His heart hammered.

_Do it now—when she's alone._

He bit the inside of his cheek, ignoring Mordin's recitation of venereal diseases. Would he get another chance? Maybe he'd better—

Before he knew what he was doing, he'd excused himself from the discussion and was limping hurriedly after her, down into the hallway, catching a flicker of her vanishing into Port Observation ahead.

"Uh, Commander?" he called, but the door had already closed. _Damn._ He drew up to it, hesitating before opening it. Joker tugged at his cap, trying to think of a good way to—he cocked his head at the sound of low voices within.

Hers, sweet and melodic, and—his stomach plummeted sickeningly—Kaiden's.

He swallowed the rising resentment, bitter and sharp in his throat. _So what? _A little stupid voice said in his mind, _They're talking—people do that occasionally. It doesn't mean—_

"Yes! Yes! Gods, Kaiden, of course!" She was laughing without reservation, and Jeff felt his chest tighten. _Well, one less thing to worry about._ He leaned back against the door to Life Support, squeezing his eyes shut.

He should've known better than to—

The door hissed open and a radiant Shepard rushed out, leading Kaiden by the hand. The two stopped short at the sight of him. Alenko was blushing, seemingly embarrassed, but Remy grinned excitedly at her pilot.

"Joker, look!" She thrust her hand out to him, a silver flash on a finger, "I'm getting married! Can you believe it?"

He felt like he was shrinking, his ears rang slightly, but he managed a weak grin for her sake. "That's great, Commander, congratulations." Her eyes sparkled and he wanted to scream.

Joker watched the couple go back to the party, presumably to break the happy tidings. He couldn't let her see how much her joy hurt him and he sure as hell couldn't tell her now. He stood for a moment, then entered Observation and made for the minibar.

He filled a glass to its brim, a twisted smile on his lips as he lifted the shot in a pathetic little toast.

"To you. Whoever you're with," he whispered to the light dancing on the surface of the drink, "I hope he makes you happy." He'd always been there for her, always. He wouldn't ruin their friendship over something neither of them could help.

He chucked it back, trying to fill the sudden hole inside him.


	2. Chapter 2

Gods, she was beautiful. Joker had dreamed of this moment more often than he cared to admit, not that he ever would. He was sweating in his rented dress tunic, fervently hoping she wouldn't notice his nervousness.

Remy Shepard strode down the aisle, resplendent in an old-fashioned white dress with lace that frothed like seafoam. A silver veil, finer than a whisper, made her features soft and slightly unfocused—etheral. She looked perfect. Kelly had spent an hour twisting and braiding and curling the ebony locks just so until the Commander could've put the ancient goddess, Aphrodite, to shame.

She didn't wear make-up—you don't need to when you're glowing with happiness.

Everyone had come, and was wearing their best. Wrex's ceremonial armor had to be sandblasted before it was deemed clean enough for such a formal occasion (although it had taken Miranda's fearlessness to broach the subject). Garrus was in his customary blue—he'd traded his old scarred and pitted suit for the shiny new Spectre-grade armor he'd earned three weeks ago. Kasumi had yet to make an appearance, but Joker had the feeling that quite a few of the guests would be leaving approximately one wallet lighter. Kelly had borrowed the Commander's black leather dress, Liara was a twilight vision in a dark blue kimono…it couldn't have been a better turnout.

All in all, it really was perfect. He thrilled inwardly when her eyes met his, aching to reach out for her when she blushed and ducked her head. Perfect…except she wouldn't be marrying him.

When she raised her gaze, those amazing gray eyes belonged to the man next to him. Joker managed to tear his gaze away from the bride for a moment; Alenko practically shook with pride. Jeff couldn't blame him. He couldn't hate either of them, no matter how much he'd wanted to over the past month-and-a-half. He'd even smiled and nodded when Kaidan had asked him to be best man.

Kaidan was a friend, and Shepard…he could never hurt his Commander.

So he watched as Zaeed escorted her up the aisle, as Tali lifted the train so she could ascend the dias. He watched as she took her vows, as Alenko slid the platinum ring onto her slender finger—he watched the look of private joy that passed between them, something pure and golden that he could not hope to touch.

He averted his eyes for their first kiss as husband and wife, studying the blue reflection on his polished shoes as Kaidan's biotics shimmered to life, the biotic's ecstasy overwhelming his control.

He watched as they left for their happily-ever-after, an unbearable ache in his weary heart.


End file.
